A Bimbo, Re-Defined

...a princess's diary...

mardi, mai 31, 2005

Future thoughts

I've wrote a rather long blog about my tots on the future.


But i somehow felt that it was too personal that i could not post it out.

So in the end, I emailed the entry to my sister. (so sis, you must read it!!) and started typing this.


Actually I am fine with posting it. But due to the possibility of my colleagues reading. I decided not to.



Its just that I have been in the mood of thinking about my future. my career path, etc.

I am very sure of what I want to do, at the end of the road. I want to lecture a polytechnic. which was why I worked so hard to publish a paper with IEEE. Speaking of which. YES, I got featured in a newspaper, which I do not feel like mentioning which one. The reason being:


HOW CAN THAT STUPID NEWSPAPER UNDERMINE MY RESEARCH PAPER PUBLISHED FOR AN IEEE CONFERENCE!!??!!


I mean. even professors find it hard to publish papers in a prestiguous and internationally recognised organisation. The stupid newspaper did not even mention about my paper. Instead it blah-ed on working in france, and getting the contract before I actually graduate.


okok. it seems impressive that i got the job before I graduate. BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT right?

what can be more impressive than an IEEE paper?????!!

Tell me.


ARGH!


ok. I am done complaining. HAHA.


After venting my anger here. I think i should add some warm fluffy thingy into this blog.


I love my family.


When talking to Amicable. I really realised that I have the best family around.

EVERYONE. really everyone. everyone is very supportive of each other.

we support and help each other in whatever way we could.


we hug. we say 'I love you' to each other.

we go out of the way for each other.


No matter where I am. My heart can feel the support of my family.

I am here for you all too!! Dad, mum, sis!!



Then i cant help wondering why my relationship with my bfs are not like my relationship with my family.

I need to spend time with my bf to feel like he loves me. I need him to show affection for me to feel his love too.

But for my family. I do not require that attention. YET, i can feel the love of my family, warming me when things get tough, and I am all alone in this foreign land where people speak a foreign language.

I conveyed this thought to my bf.

And what i got from him is:
I do not understand why you can feel lonely when you know that I am thinking of you all the time.


Er.. hello uncle. if you dun say, how will i know?


Squeeze is not a conversationalistic in this sense.

He can talk. and talk well. BUT he doesnt talk about himself, especially his feelings.


Sometimes he seems so foreign.


I feel that after so long. I am still not able to understand this man.

which is what now. I am thinking.


I do not think that he is the one for me.

In anyway. I find myself controlling my feelings towards him.

I find myself typing msn messages of things I feel. and then deleting them away, without sending them to him.


I feel that I have opened up to someone who doesnt want to open up to me.


He told me that his family never talked about their feelings. Unless when it is absolutely necessary. like the first time they spoke. it was at his grandmother's funeral.

So maybe one can blame it on his upbringing.


Nevertheless, I am someone who needs to communication. and wihtout commuincation, he feels foreign to me.


I cant I cant. I feel that I cant go on if this persisits.

Be it due to his upbrining. He has to change if he wants things to be better.


But, oh well. he is a stubborn stubborn man. and so am I....